[08 Nov 2009|03:23pm] solarium life is totally fucking crazy and ruthless. i know that shoes and clever online articles aren't a replacement for trying to decide what to do with my life, which is the source of my despair. it's like, i feel sometimes as though my ability to choose and determine the path of my life is an illusion because i only somewhat am in control of the decisions i have to make, and when neither option is one you want to choose, what's the fun in making choices at all? maybe that's the beautifully empowering and comforting thing about day dreaming about something simple like shoes is you DO get to choose. it's an easy decision. when the going gets tough i want to take refuge in simplicity. reading poetry in bed too is good but all too often the themes are too close to home. being constantly assaulted with difficult decisions makes making easy decisions a treat. i feel pretty lost. i've had the flu for too long. there are way too many things to worry about, it feels weird to be planning life out constantly in terms. segments. this segment will pass and another begins. i thought it was time to take my body and my life back but i guess i was wrong. i must want this, i must want something, why is it so hard to want something? i don't want to want anything large anymore. i just want quiet. i just want to be small. post comment

oh ffs [06 Nov 2009|08:02pm] names0fthedead ( You are about to view content that may only be appropriate for adults. ) 6 comments|post comment

[02 Nov 2009|11:43am] solarium things to accomplish in the next few years, or hopefully sooner! - learn indian musical theory. i've got some basics of "scales" and ragas etc down with the harmonium but want to learn better. indian music is so amazing, divinity and music and it's beautiful! - visit new york, my sister may move to montreal next year after highschool, and one of my best friends may eventually move to new york as she's marrying a man from there. i want to go so badly! - grow and make my own medicine - practice singing - learn to make my own clothes - start at least a degree in something. herbal medicine? or teaching? or maybe just book keeping or secretorial work? advanced gardening? - study Blake - stop drinking - develop my own film - acquire these and these. why do i feel i'll manage to do these things first? ;) -- hangovers, especially the really bad ones, always have this way of making the world seem infinitely magical. in my nauseous delirium and weakness, all i can do is lie there and muse on all the wonderful things i want to do once i feel better, all the people i need to tell that i love them. i spent all day yesterday in one of these strange states, and today i am still rather weak from lack of food and whatnot, so i am internet browsing and reading brilliant articles and daydreaming of beautiful shoes and foreign cities. 1 comment|post comment

[30 Oct 2009|04:03pm] solarium click! for some photos.. 3 comments|post comment

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